"This is not a Poem"

Who said life had to be harder the older you get? Why can't we keep the heart of a child, keep our imaginations, our minds, open? Who said we had to take on all this responsibility without having any fun?? I remember when I used to have fun...But now the world is so hungry for money, and too greedy to dish any of it out. We have to work for our share, which never seems to be enough. Unless you were just born lucky, born rich, or win the lottery or something. But even then you're not satisfied. There's always this feeling of missing something. Its too easy to wonder, What if? and What could have been? We hope and dream and fantasize, of another place, another time, another life. Even if the one we have is superb. I may not be the richest person, but I'm also not the poorest. I have a good life, and I know it. Things were never too hard for me, I only had really bad luck in relationships. I have a good guy now, great family, and friends, a place to live, my own car, food and water in abundance, and I have a good job. But in the midst of all this, I'm tired all the time. I am only 23 years old, I should not be this tired all the time. I'm tired of routine. I get aggravated with people too easily, and theres so much more I want to do with my life, than this dead end office job. I want to get out, and travel. I want to see the world. I want a house by the beach. I want to live my dream(s). But you dont always get what you want... Success is not a given, and therein lies the risk... To do any of these things, you need money...and lots of it.

Sometimes, I just wish I was a kid again...before I knew anything about money, before I had to earn it, and things were just given to me (God, how I miss my grandparents lol), before I had bills to pay, before I had a monthly period, lol, before I liked boys, before they only wanted one thing, before we even knew what sex was. I wish I could go back in time, and relive my life, do things differently this time around, be more sociable, more confident, more talkative. Here's where the what ifs come in...and the whys...and the what could have beens...

There was several different guys I liked, had crushes on back in my school days. I can remember the very first ones. I never really got the guy in school. And there was several that I let fall through the cracks. I should have gave them more of a chance, and some I should have stayed away from completely. But isnt that the way it always seems to go, the one you want doesnt want you, and the ones that do want you, well, you dont want them. Every now and then, you think you got it right, only to have it end horribly wrong. Which begs the question...do I really know what love is? I let so many pass me by because I wasnt attracted to them, I didnt have feelings for them like that, but what if I actually gave them a chance, and wasnt so scared to let someone in? I chose all the wrong guys, or maybe all the wrong guys chose me and I just went with it because I was attracted to them... Or I would like someone at first and give it about a week and realize I really didnt, after already giving myself to him. I wish I had waited, a little bit longer, on both. My only long and actual relationships, not counting my current one, ended in heartbreak. The first two, I broke up with them, we fought all the time, I was unhappy, and I just didnt want to do it anymore. I guess I hurt them in the end...but no hurt I did them compares to the hurt I went through with my next 2 long, actual relationships. I dont know how one person (2 people) can lie so much. But thats all water under the bridge, or whatever that saying is. The past is done, and there is no going back. What ifs and whys and the what could have beens..dont matter now, though I think of them everyday.

What if I'm not meant to be with Jason(my current boyfriend) the rest of my life? What if somewhere down the line, it goes wrong? Because to be honest I'm not sure If I feel as strongly for him as I should...We have our differences, lots of them, but I know I love him, but am I IN love with him? Is he IN love with me? Is there really a difference? There's always doubts and insecurities running through my head, but I have been hurt so much and cheated on in the past that I dont know how to feel correctly anymore. I get upset at stupid things, I over analyze, I cry easily, I'm very controlling, and untrusting, I question everything, and start arguments. I am just emotionally unstable all around. I say I am stronger now because of everything, at least now, I recognize my flaws, but would they even be there had that stuff not happened? Perhaps, I am weaker because of it, settling because of it. I dont want to think this way because despite our disagreements, he makes me happy, happier than I've ever been with any guy, and completely comfortable. But no one knows the future, and my relationships arent known to last. Its only been 10 months but it feels like a year. What if I was meant to be with someone else? What if I never meet my "soulmate"? Do we even really have one, and if we were "meant" to be with someone then wouldnt we be with them, eventually, so how can you never meet him anyway? What if its someone of my past, someone I let fall through the cracks, someone who let me fall through the cracks? I keep having dreams of someone just like that in them. Why if it doesnt mean anything? someone I've never been with, someone I had a crush on in grade school. Someone who is very taken now, like me. But then again my dreams never make sense, and they are random and sometimes have people I've never even met in them. or people (guys and girls) that I used to go to school with. so its not just him, but he does re-occur in more of them. Perhaps, its just another way of exploring the what ifs and what could have beens...but wouldnt it be nice to actually get to go back and see how things would be different? Like through a crystal ball or a virtualization. Life sometimes seems all too surreal, what if this was the dream, and our dreams, the reality? What if there's a very thin line between them?

© Copyright NMJ 2011